Immortality Episode 55

Transcript

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Hi, Tina. Hi, Lisa. Lisa, this has been a really hard week for me because I lost a woman who I referred to as one of my other mothers, and actually she is the last. Of my other mothers, of a trio of women who I've known. I realized after it's all said and done, I've actually known and been around them for 35 or more years. Wow. And I'm really sorry to hear that. And I know that must be Wow. 35 years. Well, it was really funny because you know how you meet people and. They just become a part of your life. And so you don't even think about how long you've known them until something momentous comes up and it causes you to think about or realize how long you've known a person, how long they've been, come into your life and stayed in your life. Mm-hmm. Because certainly there have been plenty of people that came and I don't know where the hell they are now. And some I wish I did know and some I don't even care. But the bottom line is this person, I realize I actually have been around her for almost as long as two of my very closest friends who I met at Howard. Mm-hmm. But I didn't get to be friends with them until after we all left Howard. Mm-hmm. So, so maybe. Two, three years after I started these, the friendships with the two ladies from Howard, I met this woman and so she's just been around for a very long time and she introduced me to two of her good friends. And actually, you know, as I reflected on her, I realized how much I learned about. Friendship because, I mean, I had friendships before I met her, of course. Mm-hmm. But these were women who were older than me and I watched how much they cared for one another, included each other in things. All their kids knew each other. They all, all their kids grew up together. Mm-hmm. But it, it's just really interesting. So, sort of, that's a little bit of tiny background, but, you know, it sort of makes me start thinking about. Immortality. And when I think about life now, there's less time ahead than there is behind me, and that's always, mm-hmm. That's always a very d daunting moment. Yeah. Yeah. I started thinking about that and I'm like, Ooh, oh Lord, I gotta do some stuff. I, I know, I, I mean, I have written a lot in my journal this past week about what I. Need to do and how, what I wanna emulate more from this person that I, that I'm not doing. And she lived life to the fullest. Mm-hmm. And, and I'm beginning to think. I, I always say, I think I'm living it to the fools, but then I look at her and I'm like, oh, maybe you're not living it to the fool. I mean, this is a person that started acting at age 80. Oh wow. And really, you know, did it with gusto. You know, just mm-hmm. And, and conviction. And the first show that she was in, we all went to, and she was the star of the play. And it was like, really great. So, so many things. Wow. I'm thinking about this week about what I've learned from people who actually are, you know, were not my parents, but parents who I consider as other parents, you know? Do you have other parents or have other mothers? I used to when I was younger. But then, you know, we set, we moved away from each other, so it kind of, it changed we still in touch, but we don't have the same relationship that we used to have. Mm-hmm. They're not as in involved in my life as they used to be, but, you know, it's, it's kind of nice. We stay to, we stay in touch on social media and there's certain things that happen, certain occasions, and then certain, like inside jokes that we have. That we share. For example my best childhood friend's father, this is there's, she caught, he caught me. Kissing a boy. And how and how? Down the street. And how old were you or how young were you? I was probably about 14 and Oh, okay. You were about young. Young, yeah. So. When he saw me, he said, busted. And you know, nothing happened. But every time he saw me after that, he said, busted. And from time to time he would say something like that and it just reminds me of that whole episode. It was just so crazy. And that's just the kind of thing that keeps a connection, even though it's not a daily connection or a connection like within the things going on in my everyday life. Mm-hmm. There's still a connection. Yeah. You know, it's when you mention a male father ish figure, it's funny because I've had other mothers. Most of my life, you know, with childhood, my parents friends when we were younger, you know, there were women who were around that I spent time with, but I don't mm-hmm. Think I have any other fathers. That's, yeah. I think we hear, I hear other mothers more than I hear the term other fathers. But I, that has to, a thing has to be a thing because I think, I think it's less though. But the main thing was that with them, it was the, the mother and the father, almost like one, it was the two of them. Okay. I don't know if I had, well, I guess there's some people that I could consider as other fathers, but, but I, I say it from the standpoint of, I had the other mothers are women who I actually, you know, sat down at a kitchen table with or somewhere mm-hmm. And had a conversation with, or they talked to me about, about things that were important or that were going on and that sort of thing. And I don't recall doing that. I think with the, the men in. My life that were friends of the family. They were the fun people. Yes, yes, this is true. Not that the women weren't, but they, the men were the fun guys. Uhhuh, my father's, father's friends were all hilarious in some kind of way. Some of them cussed a lot, which is how I learned cu more cuss words than I really should admit. But they, you know, would come over to the house. And the, they would drink. I mean, the biggest thing I remember, especially with the men in particular, is going, we went to, used to go to Martha's Vineyard. Mm-hmm. And we'd be at the inkwell of course, for mm-hmm. You know. Most of the day, and the men would just sit and drink and they'd just be out on the beach and they'd be drinking and they'd just get sillier and crazier and play cards. And then, you know, by the time it was time to go home, which was usually six o'clock, they were like lit. So I guess, you know, I didn't, you know, I did drink when I was younger, but not to excess of course, but of course I saw them drinking, so it was, you know, you want a little sip here and there, so. Mm-hmm. You know, we, we got it, we got it fit in. But I guess, you know, with the minute was a, a different thing because like, I guess back to when I was really a little girl, we had a, a. Friend of the family who was, you know, when you're little, everybody's tall. Yeah. So when we were little, this guy was like, we looked like he was going back to touch the ceiling. Mm-hmm. But he, he used to pick us up and get us up on the ceiling, so that's how tall he was. Uhhuh, you know, we just sort of remember, I sort of remembering. As we're chatting now, you know, and talking about whether there are other dads. I think they just were different. I never called them other dads, but they certainly were paternal in how they interacted. Mm-hmm. When we were in their presence and I guess, you know, the ones that cussed, I guess they were like, they were comfortable. Yeah, they were comfortable with, with Jimmy and Ray's kids. My, my parents are Jimmy and Ray. My mother's name was Ray. That was not her real name. Well, that was her name, but she didn't go by Shirley. But Ray. So when I say Ray, it's not two minutes. It's a male and a female. Mm-hmm. Just for clarity, not for any other reason than that. But yeah, the, we were. Jimmy and Ray's kids, and they just, people were comfortable when they came to our house, so. Mm-hmm. But you know, over, over the years now that I'm at the very adult stage of life, a lot of these people are already gone. Mm-hmm. And, you know, losing this person she passed on, on June 27th. Was really very jarring for me, very shattering. This is a person that really when I went to her memorial service. You know, everybody just loved her and she has such a wide background, a vast background of things that she did and what she belonged to. And the place was packed and it was not just what I call senior seniors.'cause she was 91, I think 92. But there were what I call, I'm, I've been referred to as a baby senior. So the baby seniors were there, the junior seniors were there, the senior seniors were there, and then there were people that were much younger mm-hmm. That were there. Mm-hmm. So, no, no, no infants. Nobody brought babies and that sort of thing. But there was a young crowd of people there that whose lives she's touched. Mm-hmm. So I saw this. Reading on, I think it was Facebook that was entitled Immortality. Mm-hmm. By Claire, Claire Harner. And I won't read the whole thing, but it says, do not stand by my grave and weep. I am not there, I do not sleep. And it goes on. And the last few stands is say bye. Do not stand by my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die. And I remember somebody sending me or talking to me when I was just a mess and saying, you know, she's not gone. And, you know, you sort of have to think about, you know, what your beliefs are, whether people, their spirit leaves or their body leaves, but does their spirit leave you? Mm-hmm. And I guess. I actually felt her presence one of as I was dressing to go to the memorial service. I had, first of all, I had picked out an outfit. This is how crazy it got for me. I had an outfit or picked out.'cause you know, this is a black woman and I know these are older black people and you know, we go, when you go to a funeral, you're supposed to have un black. Mm-hmm. That's sort of the typical thing, black and you're not supposed to be all, you know, just up. Mm-hmm. And I had to think about that. So my first outfit was, had a little, it was black and white. Mm-hmm. So I actually like, you know, maybe the day before I was like, maybe that's not it. So I, I get up outta whatever I'm doing and say, oh, let me. Me change that outfit. So I changed the outfit and then about two hours later I'm like, no, not that I'll wear this. And I put together another outfit the morning of. The memorial. I wake up at four o'clock and it's like, that's not the, oh gosh. And get completely different outfit, different jewelry. The whole kitten caboodle. The only thing that was probably near almost the same with the shoes. Mm-hmm. And my, and my bra. Other than that, it's like, hmm. I don't know. So right before I left. You know, I had all my stuff on my jewelry and I went and I put on, I grabbed a diamond ring that I have and I put it on and I changed one of my, the stud in my ear to a diamond stud instead of my stealing silver stud. And the minister, who was fantastic, it was a female, she gave this eulogy. She said there were three. Colors that this person liked and they were silver, gold, and sparkle, and I. I had to laugh because there was no other reason that in my, somewhere in my soul it was like, go back and get the diamond ring, because that's who she was. It was about sparkle. Oh, she always had on silver, gold and some diamonds or some sparkle. Mm-hmm. And her and her personality was just full of sparkle. So it was funny when it was said, I'm like, no wonder I had to go put the ring on because I didn't have my sparkle on. I did have my yes. I had my silver on, but I didn't have my sparkle, so I had my sparkle. It's really funny how, you know, when I thought about Im immortality, maybe people are not here, but they are always with you no matter what. Yeah. In some way. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You know, I have thought about my own sort of. You know, because of there's, there's more time behind than ahead and how, how I would want things to happen and and just telling people that I know that are close to me, that I don't want a funeral because I don't wanna hear all that crying. Mm-hmm. I, I wanna party. Mm-hmm. I want everybody smiling, having fun, and not wearing black. Hmm. Yellow. Is it gonna be yellow for you? Well, I would love it if they wear yellow. They can wear whatever they want, but I would wear yellow. But but, but just thinking about that, how do you want to, how do you want to, what's the word, kind of not appear, but what kind of way do you want your spirit to be present? Mm-hmm. And you kind of determined that by how you are present now? Hmm. We, I mean, people are specify, well, I don't ha I should say, I shouldn't say this, but I will say it. I have not drawn up a will yet and I really need to do that. But people do specify. IMI remember my father telling us years ago how he wanted his funeral to be. Mm-hmm. And so we had a clear understanding. It has changed now, but I know what it was before and mm-hmm. This, you know, going to this service, it was a memorial service. And I have to say that there were two ministers, one who's, you know, welcomed everyone and did most of it. And then the minister who gave the eulogy, and they were actually brother and sister, which was really funny because Oh, they had their own little interaction. That was hilarious too. But it was really an upbeat service. It was upbeat service. It was not, you know, there was no casket there, there was no, they only had pictures of her to be seen. Then they had a photo montage that they played of her. Mm-hmm. And with, with lots of people. To my surprise, my picture with her was in there. And I, that's when I lost it. I was doing really good until I see this picture and I'm like, ah, you know? Yeah. Because I, I remember the occasion when it was taken, but mm-hmm. You know, there. It, it was not, we, I don't, people didn't walk out of there. I didn't hear any weeping, like, you know, tears were shed because I shed some. Mm-hmm. But I didn't. There was nobody sobbing. There was nobody crying because it was just an upbeat, because this person lived out loud. I hate to sound like a cliche, but that's how she was. Mm-hmm. And so it really was. Very, very upbeat and I sort of think back to another memorial service I went to from an another mother from really when I was young,'cause that this particular other mother. Knew me since I was born. And so when, and I know all her kids since all of them were born. Mm-hmm. And when she passed, which was, oh my God, it's gotta be more than five years ago, six, seven years ago. Mm-hmm. I had to go up to Jersey for her memorial service. And of course I, I would not have missed that memorial service for anything.'cause I, again, she knew me from birth. Mm-hmm. And it was. Kind, not as upbeat as this one because that she lived a different kind of life, but she lived, also lived a life that was, she was very business oriented had done a lot of things in her life and was very committed to her profession, and it was really a lovely service. Of remembering her. And I learned a lot about her that I didn't know about her, which was really interesting. And I, and I remember the one thing, one of the things that was said, I never knew in the time that I knew her, and I had a close relationship with her that mm-hmm. She, when she was younger, that she was into photography and I was, you know, and I'm so, was, so, I was much more with my camera back. When that service came around than I am with my camera now. My phone has now substituted for my camera. I'm not ashamed. Not ashamed to say'cause it, you know, the phones have gotten better with the pictures they take. Mm-hmm. But I didn't realize that how dedicated she was to that. And I'm like, oh dang. Like this was something that I wish I had known when she was alive because it would've been another connection between us. So, yeah. Excuse me. Hold on one more. I think when more sneezes come anyway you know, it was, it's interesting going to, going to services now. I've been to my grandparents great. And my great grandparents services and they were very somber. Mm-hmm.'cause you know, it was also the funeral, there was also the funeral after the memorial services. So talking about what, what you want and how. How you want things to be. I have found the memorial services that I've attended,'cause I've been to more than those, these two mm-hmm. Have been organized in such a way that the person who has left us. Has had a say in what they wanted. Mm-hmm. And it's very, it, it's very obvious that they don't want, same thing you said, they don't want a lot of crying and sobbing and grieving and carrying on. They want mm-hmm. People to remember them. And again, this what is coming to mind again is another woman. She was not a other mother to me. She was the mother of some friends of mine I actually knew. Knew her not very well, but I knew her daughters. Mm-hmm. And there's, that service was just, I mean, it was held at arena stage, you know, so for those people who, wow, don't arena stage, it's, it's a theater in southwest DC that's right near the wharf that has all kinds of theatrical performances, but they also have like a whole atrium kind of space for events, and they use that atrium space. As the memorial service area, not the theater. So it was really, it was open, it was light, and it was cool. There was a little, you know, people were tearful because it was, her death was sudden. It was not. Mm-hmm. It, it, it was sudden. No, no one, she was not ill, none of that. It just happened. Mm-hmm. And nor was she really that. Oh, so I wanna say one thing that has come up also is, you know, about people leaving us that one thing that is sort of this myth myth from when I was younger is just only old people die. But that's not true. Mm-hmm. Right? It's not true. People of any age can pass away from a multitude of things. There. I don't even think there's any such thing other than. Old age. Mm-hmm. That young people can't pass away from. The things are happening very differently. I mean, we didn't hear about, I guess maybe if young people, passive cancer or the things that were identified as older people's diseases and things that would take them outta here. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. It's just that we don't, I guess. It does happen. And I think I have a, a very close person in my life who always has to say something like something that is God willing. Like if you're gonna see them tomorrow, God willing, uhhuh. And it's just because she always says that tomorrow is not promised. And, and it's a reminder to me because I got plans and I'm like, this is what we going to do and you better be there. She says something like, God willing, it's not the exact words, but she says something like that. And I'm like, but listen, here, what we not doing is that you better be in, you better be there. And, and we all, we start to joke about it. But but then she, it is a reality that we have to sometimes think about. Something we don't wanna think about, you know? Mm-hmm. It's that, that preparing. And I know what you're saying about people saying God willing.'cause people used to say that all the time. Then I finally said, please stop saying that. Mm-hmm. Because I, I think it's obvious that we. But that God willing or is God will, if we're going to make, wake up the next day. Yeah. Or even wake up the next moment. Shoot. You don't have, may not make it till the next day. Right. You might go, you might go today. I mean, you know. Yes. And obviously I won't be there and I won't be there. The effect. But you know, it's, it's, there is nothing is promised. And I think all of those cliche kinds of things that we kick around. To maybe even not use the word death or dying. I, I try those two words. To me, I don't like passing is what I try to use.'cause there's something, there's something so final about the word death or dying to me. Mm-hmm. But that passing makes me feel like they just moved on to the next, wherever. Mm-hmm. Hopefully a good place. Yeah. So, you know, it's really pe We all have the things that we think and, and say, but I definitely am really more cognizant of the, the nothing's promised and, you know, live, live life to the fullest. Mm-hmm. One of the things that was on the program at the back, on the back it said, live a life that matters. And I remember when her. Good friend who my, one of my other mothers, when she passed that same line, live A Life That Matters, was on her program. Because after that service I actually put that line in my phone and it's been, been in my phone since then. Wow. And I, you know, have, have challenged myself. Or I'm, I think I'm gonna challenge myself. No, not think I'm gonna challenge myself to live not just a life that matters, but to live differently than I have been living. I feel like I'm not, I, I'm so sort of weighed down with issues and stuff that's, you know, making me have to think too hard that mm-hmm. I'm not. My mind is not free to roam. I mean, I started, I wrote a lot this week. I just haven't been able to focus on a lot of things, and so I just did write a few pieces. I wrote a tribute to her. I wrote in my journal a lot. Then I wrote another piece that has nothing to do with that.'cause actually, I. Have gone to the museum, you know, roamed around, looked at artwork. I did spend some time with friends, you know backyard barbecuing, which was a lot of fun. Mm-hmm. And I wrote a piece about that, which was interesting, which brought back a lot of memories because, you know, when you sit down and reflect on some, there's something about the finality of somebody's body leaving this. World that we can no, no longer physically see them. Mm-hmm. That makes me reflective. I don't How, how about you, you know, is that something, if someone passes away, what's your reaction? Yeah, I think about their life. I, I always think I about how they, you know, what do I remember about them? How were they living? What kind of person they were, and with sort of like what was their. The, you, we would say legacy, but I think more like what was their theme? Hmm. Like what was, what was the important things to them? And, and then I think about that with me. Like, what, what is my theme? And these are the things that. Mostly everybody who knows, you will know. Not not just your closest friends and family, but pretty much anybody who you've, you have any kind of communication or relationship with, right? Would know what your theme is. So I think about that when, when this happens and I'm like, okay, am I living? In a way am am I living up to my theme on a regular basis or just every now and then, because I think I, I've gotten off track at different points in my life. Mm-hmm. Sometimes things are just going on and you have too many things, like you were saying, too many things that you have to focus on, but like at this time in my life, I feel like at 55 I'm at a crossroads and there's many different ways I could go and. The, the way that I'm making decisions right now is based on that, my, my theme mm-hmm. Is this, is this really what I would do or do I want to do? Right? And, and that's kind of how I think about it, because sometimes you can't, you, you kind of stuck between a few things you don't know. You're juggling in the morale in your mind, but the way, the final way to make that is, okay, how does this fit with who I am and, and what I stand for? Hmm. And it helps. Well, I'm sure I, I don't know if I have a. Well, no, I guess my theme is creativity. If I had any, if they had to do the quick and dirty one. But it's funny because if I think back to 20 years ago, let me even push it back 25, 30 years ago. Mm-hmm. That would not have been the theme because you know, my creativity. Really didn't kick in heavy duty until much later. I mean, it was always there, but it wasn't what I was known for, so quote unquote known for back then. Mm-hmm. Or maybe, maybe in a sense, I, it was, it just was different because, you know, people knew me for dressing a certain way and mm-hmm. Jewelry, so maybe it was just a different kind of creativity or people college knew me for having a really great looking dorm room, so maybe it was. Maybe it's creativity. I don't know. Mm-hmm. Maybe, maybe it's just always there. But I didn't recognize it as such. Right. Until later, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it can change over time. It can change and, and become more prominent or less prominent. It's still there. Well, you know what? Even as I say that, I, I'm sort of now letting my mind scanned, try to go back really farther back than what I just said. And even when I was in high school. I definitely liked to dress a certain way. I was more of a hippie in high school. But I took, well this is really going to date me, and I guess everybody already knows. I've already talked about what age I am and we've been on the podcast before, but mm-hmm. And I, and I really don't care if people know but I took home economics in high school. Mm-hmm. And one of them was cooking, which I already knew how to do. Mm-hmm. And the other one was sewing, which I became a really good seamstress. Oh, wow. And it's funny because my father's mother, my, my grandmother she was a really good seamstress and she always sewed. And, you know, we used to hate some of the stuff that she made for us, but then I learned how to, because it was always like my older sister got the same outfit as me and we hated dressing the same. But you know, it was a skill that I wish. I had kept up, and the only reason I didn't is once I went to college, I didn't bring my, I think I brought my sewing machine the first year when I went to Lehigh University. I think I brought it to Lehigh. I didn't bring it to Howard. Mm-hmm. And I, you know, just stopped sewing. And I think the next time I maybe tried to link it up is when I was like in outta grad school and mm-hmm. Took a class in. Fashion design 1 0 1, mm-hmm. At FIT, but I never Oh wow. Got, I never got into really doing it. And I think that was because the, I'm, I'm, again, thinking way back to the CRE creativity I had been writing since I was six. So all of this sort of arcs as, as we're talking, it sort of arcs right into the creativity. It's just been evolving into different things.'cause even cooking. Is a creative thing when you learn how to cook and then you start to improvise on the foods you're making. Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. So, so I, I guess maybe people will know me for that, but at this point, the generations that know me now, they've known a lot of it. But it's funny thinking about that now. Interesting. It's interesting reading and knowing about, again, what the things you don't know about people after they've. Passed away and you read it in their obituaries or you hear it at a, a eulogy at a service and you find out things. The one thing I've said to my friends this week is, you know, we even though your friends with someone's for a really, really long time, and even your siblings, nobody knows everything about any other person. Correct. Yeah, that's so true. Just don't, you know, it's funny the stories that come up when you know talking and all of a sudden it's like, hmm, how is it that we've never talked about this before, or I've never heard that story before. It's really funny. It's so funny the some, some of the stories that have come up this week in talking to my very close friends who actually knew this person and knew how much this person means to me, and most of them, the ones I have spoken to this week, other than one person actually know her or knew her mm-hmm. And spent time with her and knew, you know, just how much. Of a relationship the two of us had together, you know? Mm-hmm. But again, in talking to my friends that I've known, you know, as long again for a long time, I've said some things this week and they're like, well, I didn't know that. Or they said some things like, oh wow, I didn't know that about you. We don't know everything about anyone. Right, right. We don't, we don't always know everything about our own selves. That's true. Sometimes we don't want anybody to know, well, there's things we don't want people to know, and then there's things we don't know about ourselves. You know, like, yeah. I think we talked about this briefly at, at one point about how you would react to certain. Things, you don't always know what your reaction is gonna be and people say, oh, you should have, I would've. And it's like, no, you might, you think you would've done something right? Like I, my biggest example is that I was in an intersection and a car was barreling for me deliberately years ago. Mm-hmm. And I, you always think you'll run to the next. Across the street. Mm-hmm. I actually fro froze. Mm-hmm. I did not run, I did not move. Mm-hmm. And then it was just this moment of fear and then all of a sudden I, I ran, ran back to the sidewalk I was coming off of rather than to the sidewalk I was going to. And I had the right of way this person ran. It really just ran, it was, was, was gunning to hit me. Wow. But people say, oh, I, you, I would've, you would've. And I'm like, Nope. You don't know what you would've done. No, you don't know what you would've done. Because when you know shock and fear comes in, you just don't know. What you might do. So you never know that. That's why I say we don't even know everything about our own selves because we don't know how we would react to certain things we think we do. Mm-hmm. But you really, really don't know. You don't know. Right. You have to rehearse it over and over, like I think about, self-defense classes. Mm-hmm. And they have to practice the scenarios over and over and over, and they, and they vary. You know, they change'em up a little bit and keep going so that it's embedded in your mind. It's, it's not just natural, even if you just, if you took the class one time and you know what to do, no, it's not enough. You have to actually practice so that your mind goes to that place in the event that there's an emergency and you need to use those skills. Hmm. That's, oh, you know, I, I, that's funny that I hadn't even thought about that. That you, I guess even thinking about anything that we've learned. It's embedded in us, but if we don't practice it, it becomes stale and stagnant and maybe it'll come back. I think the body remembers easily. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But it doesn't, but it may not remember 10 years from the time you did it that it may not have that, you know, memory by, what is it called? Muscle memory. Yeah. You may not have that, but I do know that that's possible. But you have, it can't be 10 years from the time you first did it, but something in your head. And body knows it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. None if the body doesn't for, doesn't forget that. I mean, they don't forget what it has done. It's whether you can still do Right. Or if you can bring it up and, and, and access it at that moment. True. That's not, same thing with the brain. You know, I stuff that I can't remember that all of a sudden it's like, oh, I remember such and such and such things that I can remember or can't remember are crazy. It's like, well, how could I remember that? But I don't remember this. It's like okay. I can remember this way back. And I'm like, I can't remember what I ate last week. I'm like, really? I had to always remember, like when I was a kid, I. My mother, they would say I was absent minded because, you know, my mother would say, go get something, and I would mm-hmm. Be on the way to getting it, and I would totally forget what it was I was supposed to be going to get and have to come back and ask her because my mind was always on something else. With voice. Think thinking about something else, whatever it was I was supposed to get, was really not all that important. So whatever I was doing or thinking about was still preoccupying my mind and I would wouldn't remember. And I'm like, and so she says, you're so absent minded. But I guess that was true because the same thing would happen when I'd be walking along the street. I would be so lost in thought. I walked into things a lot when I was a kid. Oh my goodness. A lot. A lot. Oh boy. If, if it emphasis on a lot. I mean, it was just, I, I would just be so absorbed in thought or looking at something, which as I say that. Probably is the reason why I am so patient when I'm taking, when I'm using the camera, because I can stand and be at a play. I can watch a butterfly for a very long time until I get the shot I want, or until it does something I think is different than what I've seen in another shot. Mm-hmm. Some things I get right, some things I get right away, but that patience. Comes, probably stems from, you know, the ability to sort of be, stay focused on whatever it was I was doing, rather than jump to the next thing. Mm-hmm. Right, right away. Now that's not true in everything in my life because I'm also, you know, I get. Bored and I have to go to the next thing very quickly. Once I accomplish something, I'm onto the next thing. It's like, are you gonna do another thing? I'm like, no, I'm just gonna, I'm on, I'm onto the next thing. The most thing I would, you know, would do more of is writing and then when I was doing my artwork is. As much as I did it, I would, you know, be waiting for the next inspiration for the, if I, after I finished a series, what would mm-hmm. The next series be. But there comes a time with me, there's certain things that were maybe on my quote unquote bucket list that once I accomplished them, it's like, okay, I don't, I don't need to keep doing that. I just needed to do it once. Yeah. Yeah. I feel that way too. I don't know. You wanted to try it, but it, you, it meant not, doesn't necessarily become a part of your life. You just wanted to try it right. Right, because I'm not sure I'll ever pick up that calligraphy pen again. I hope my, my, my instructor's not listening because it is so intimidating and I was so not good at it. And I don't know that practice will make perfect.'cause I, my penmanship has been like chicken shit. Scratch, excuse me, folks. Forever af after I got outta grammar school. When you had to, I don't know if when you went to school, if you had to practice cursive writing, did you have to do that? Yes. Okay. Yep. Sure did. I was good when I, when I had to practice it and when we had to do it. Mm-hmm. That cursive writing, I'm, I, you know, I, I, whatever I do, not even, I'm not even sure what kind of handwriting I have now. It is something. Amazing to myself when I go back journals and read. Read what I've written in my journals. It's like, what does that say? Yeah, because you add little stuff to it. Yes. And then me, I kind of mix it in with some print as well and, and come up with a whole nother thing. Yeah. That will See, I'm glad to hear that because that's what I do. I have some printing in there. I have some cursive writing, or what do they call it? Script, whatever it's mm-hmm. I have a mixture of some other something. I don't know what that is. Maybe, maybe kind of doodle stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It's all mixed in and I, I know that my instructors from back then would be like, oh, shame for shame that you cannot, but the, you know, and the funny thing is, I will, I hate doing this, but if I'm trying to send a letter or a note to someone. And I really do wanna hand write it. I sometimes type it and I send a note. I'm so sorry that I typed this, but if I tried to write this, you would not be able to read it. Oh, wow. And so I will type it and paste it into a card, and then I do sign them. I, I definitely will never do a printed signature from mm-hmm. That I definitely will sign him in. I'll write a little something at the end. Yeah. But my handwriting. You know, they talk about doctor's handwriting. I'm not sure what kind of handwriting I have. Oh gosh. I think mine changes, like, depending on what, what it is I'm doing and what kind of mood I'm in. Mm-hmm. Because sometimes I, I actually come back and read the thing. I don't know what it says really. I'm like, what, what was I thinking? And I think usually if I'm. Aggravated. Somehow I write things and I really cannot read it later. Yeah. Whereas if I'm actually, you know, okay, I want this, this is something that I want, and I guess I take a little bit more time on it, but I guess when I'm aggravated, I'm just trying to hurry up and get it over with and don't care. Oh, that's true. I don't know. I. I set aside time to write in my journal, but I find that over the years, I have to say, I used to have this spec. Oh, specific. Pen by Sanford, it was a Sanford calligraphy pen that came in black and then it, you know, could buy colors, but they sold them all over the place in New York. Mm-hmm. And I, and I would always stock up on the, because I started journaling when I lived in New York, and that was the only pen I would use in the journal. And then I only used it if I had to write something because it was something about the nib. It's not a. Fountain pen, but it had, whatever the nib was on the pen, the size of it gave, allowed my strokes and writing to be legible. Mm-hmm. And so I would get them, so of course after I moved here, they used to sell and then you could find'em online when, you know, when online became a thing. And then they stopped selling them and I wanted to call them and say, listen, just make me some. Because it makes my handwriting legible. Yeah. You're probably still be using them, but yeah. You're not the only one. Probably. There's other people who would like it too. Well, I guess, you know, if, if, you know, I, I, I will write places and say, are you gonna make this again? Trust me, I am a person who is very deliberate about things that I want to find. Mm-hmm. And get my, before the internet. Before there was anything, so let's go back 20 years ago. IL, well, no, even more. I lived, I've been here on going on 25 years this year, so when I lived in New York, that's 25, and so let's go back 20, 35 years or so. Mm-hmm. Before all this stuff, you could get online and find anything before there was any such thing as Google or any search engines. Mm-hmm. My sister and my mother and I could find. Anything, whatever somebody was looking for. Mm-hmm. Somehow we would be able to find it some kind of way. My sister, if I called her and told her a partial quote, she could tell me the rest of the poem. You know, it was like stuff that, that. People just didn't. And so people would say, we used to say we can get it for you. Just we used to uhhuh, we should have had, we should have had a business. We could get it for you. Yeah, because we could, we could find things. So of course I will not rest until I have explored every possible avenue to get something that I really want. And those, those pins were one of them. And finally, I just had to say. You know, the last time I saw them, they had jacked up the price. Like they used to be like$2 or something because then it was like$15 for one. I'm like, oh, the hell no. Oh, wow. Are you kidding me? But be, and you know why, because that was what you just said. It wa they were in demand and people wanted'em. They didn't have that many left. Yeah. But by then there was internet, so you could look around. Mm-hmm. And the last one I bought was off of Amazon, you know, when Amazon was first starting up and I haven't been able to find'em. So I have found some substitutes, but they're not, they're not a Sanford calligraphy pen. Marker. They, they, they actually were called markers. They're not pens. Really? Oh, so anyw, who, now that we have traveled back into the past, oh, I don't know. We started talking about, it's, you know, we talk about immortality or death and being here and the things you, you know, when you start to think about your life. When someone passes we do think about life and we do think about our own lives and, you know, make vows to change and fix things and do things we said we weren't gonna do. Mm-hmm. But, you know, it's like I don't have a list of the things that I, I just must do the following things. What I have said is that I want us just, but I and I have been doing, which is really interesting. I have been making it a point to spend more time. Doing things that I. I'm interested in that maybe somebody else is not interested in. Mm-hmm. And not, and not waiting for somebody to go with me. Oh yeah. I'm always the go with, have a partner so we can have some fun. It's like everybody, Don does, everybody does not wanna do what you want to do. Mm-hmm. So don't, so don't miss out. Right. So I have committed to that. I have spent, I have kept track of who I've spent time with, how much time I've spent with people, and a couple of my friends have. Called and, you know, said we really have to get something on the calendar on a regular basis. Mm-hmm. Because, you know, again, we're all saying less time ahead than, than is behind us. Mm-hmm. And that is sort of become, the mantra to a degree is that there's less, not in a morbid way Right. But in a, as, as a reminder that don't wait. You know Right. If it's something that's financial, okay. You may have to put that on the back burner until you get it. But if it's important, can you find a way to, you know, get your funds together to do something if it's, especially for something major. Mm-hmm. And just try to, and in the meantime, what can you do until you get to that? Mm-hmm. And, and don't let things sort of slip by. Right. Right. Because it's never too late or too early to write your own story. Write your own story mm-hmm. To add to your story to change. The trajectory of your story. Yeah. You know, your story, whatever your past story is, is not going to go away, but you can certainly change the trajectory of how you go forward. Mm-hmm. And we've talked about that when we first started this podcast about yeah. Moving forward with life and, and looking at your story and how you want your story to. Move forward. Mm-hmm. And also not making you know, I don't make resolutions and all that stuff, so I'm not gonna do that now, but I just am reminding myself that if I had another mother who started acting at 80 Wow. That. Whatever I wanna do with my writing is possible. Mm-hmm. It is, it is possible. It's, and, and that's where my focus is right now actually is, is, is the writing. And then I shared this with you before about doing some volunteer work that's meaningful to me, and we'll talk about that another time because I haven't been accepted into the training yet, but I'm hoping to get in to training for this volunteer program that I'm really interested in, but I'll share that. When that becomes a reality, because we're not gonna say, okay, we're not gonna say maybe it's a yes. Mm-hmm. Yes. It's a matter of when. Yes. Yes. Universe. Yes, universe. So anyway, I guess you know that it's been a pleasant way to speak about losing people in our lives, or what happens after someone passes from your life and all the things that come up from. Just that one thing that happens that mm-hmm. So much to think about and so much to remember, and so much to decide on how you wanna move forward. That's right. So I guess that's part of generational love or gener generational body love. That must be, you must pass it on, pass it on. So we have to pass on, you know. The memories of people when they leave us. We must pass those things on as well, so that's right. All right, till next time. Till next time. Bye bye. Thank you for listening to another episode of the Body Love Construct, where we have intelligent opinion-based conversations around reconstructing the generational conditioning that has influenced black women's narratives about themselves. Our main purpose with the body love construct and this podcast is to engage our audience by having more non-traditional conversations. Present day and historical issues, situations, behaviors, events and beliefs that affect how we see ourselves and how others perceive, make assumptions about copy, treat, see or unsee us as black women. Through our discussions, we hope you will find something that gets you to thinking about the stories you formed about yourself. Self and determine if perhaps it's time to rethink a few things. 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